2010 and Today

Dave and I were talking about have quickly 2010 left us. Almost like it just needed to "be gone". It was a trying year. I think the family tried to cope with losing Mark and then Marcia was taken. I really don't think we coped at all. I am great at this, by the way. I didn't cope with my father's death until I married Dave. He taught me that it was safe to "feel" something again. So I punished myself for 13 years for things I had no control over. I looked back at Heather's blog this evening, reading posts from September and the beginning of October. Mark had sent her flowers that set off a flood of allergies. The pics of Ian in his costume at the beginning of October (even though Heather and I do not care for Halloween). I love looking our old posts, but then it's difficult all at the same time. I have spent the last 10 years of my career helping people die with respect. I have truly made a career out of it. First my 2 year degree, just finished an additional 4 years. I can walk into a room and immediately calm the room....a gift my colleagues insist. I am good at it. There is something about giving someone that one last gift of a respectful death. That I can deal with. Not being able to say goodbye is another. I got to say goodbye to Marcia. Anson, Dave and I were there with the family and she knew who we were. She said goodbye to Anson and told him that she would be the sunshine bringing warmth to his face, and she is. He remembers that day and I remind him of it often. We weren't ready to say goodbye, but she was. I guess that's what is important. I think it is natural to wonder how we will go on without the ones we have lost. I know I was consumed with those thoughts when my dad was dying. I would cry and just be so angry because I did not know how I could go on without him. I was helpless and angry. But, it was him who was losing his life. He was getting the short straw. He will never know that the amazing man he liked so much when we were in high school, is now my husband and his miracle grandson who looks just like him. I am sad for him. I guess he does know. I just wish I could see his face and tell him so many things. And Marcia. There are so many things I would love to show her about Anson's life. So many things that she would adore, like his love for growing a garden and flowers. He just cut some daffodils from our yard for me yesterday. We planted our seeds in an indoor green house this past week and they are already sprouting! They have grandparent day at school and it hurts my heart that there is no-one there for Anson on that day. I have almost kept him home. He is in a class with 5-6 year olds and is completing the same math skills as they are. His teachers insist he has an engineer brain. He is just so good at math. He loves to read and his vocabulary is above his class. He also loves to sing. He does it every so often, but he really loves music. I guess it was all that singing I did driving to and from C-bus while I was pregnant. Anson also loves people. He has the most calm and confident personality. He is a people magnet. I love this about him. He doesn't know a stranger and is so incredibly kind. He loves basketball and is shooting hoops with the 5 and 6 year olds at school. He is so competitive, but a great leader.....sounds like Dave! It's difficult remembering he is only 4 years old. Well, I guess he is almost 4.5, as he often tells me. He has also become quite the artist, which I know Marcia would love. He has a Gallery Hop this Friday at school and all of his artwork is laminated and displayed. He is so proud. I really miss Mark. He was very kind to me and accepted me into his family without hesitation. He loved Gretta. Whiskey, Camus and Gretta all in the same house. It was one of the best times I can remember. We would grill out, stay up too late and sleep in. We would pile into the car and hit Young's Dairy way more than we should have. We would often find ourselves in the kitchen at 3am eating left overs. It was just good fun. I really miss that. It's too much to think about all at once. Who we were. Who we are now, with so much of our family gone. How to hold onto to our lives now and grow. It's difficult to accept the changes that come with life gracefully. We have to. It's sink or swim and my arms are really tired lately. I am not complaining. I am incredibly thankful for my life and what we have made together. It's just amazing to think that in 7 months we will have a 5 year old. Dave is almost 40 :) and I am preparing for another round of college. It's life and I'm happy to have it. And, death is a part of life. We all know it. We go through life sometimes thinking that nothing bad can happen to us, then it does, and we are lost. I have sat in too many of my patients rooms the past 2 weeks and watched them die. I have watched their families try to cope, holding their hands as they take in their last breath. Trying to give them all respect and dignity with death is part of my job. They appreciate it and I know that. It makes me appreciate the living so much more.